drown me softly

Drown me softly beneath motel neon and half remembered prayers

Let the water climb gentle through my lungs like forgiveness arriving too late

I’m tired of surviving violently

Tired of dragging this haunted nervous system through another year of artificial smiles and emotional overdrafts

Motherfucker the bathtub looked holy at 3 AM

Steam curling upward like spirits escaping burnt churches

My reflection floating warped across the surface beneath flickering bathroom light

For a second I almost looked peaceful there

Bitch nobody talks enough about exhaustion

Not physical exhaustion

Soul exhaustion

That deep internal drowning where even breathing starts feeling performative

Where joy sounds distant as childhood laughter heard through apartment walls

I slid beneath the water slowly

Silence swallowing the world above me instantly

Heartbeat muffled like drums inside underwater cathedrals

Everything finally softened beneath the pressure and blue distortion

Drown me softly

Not with violence

Not with spectacle

Just let oblivion arrive tenderly for once

Like a mother tucking exhausted children into sleep after storms destroy the house

I opened my eyes underwater and watched the ceiling blur apart

Light bending strange as corrupted scripture through ripples

Tiny air bubbles escaping my mouth like unfinished confessions rising toward heaven

The whole scene looked cinematic enough to fool people into calling it beautiful

But suffering ain’t beautiful up close

It smells like mildew and cigarettes

It sounds like voicemail apologies nobody answers anymore

It feels like lying awake beside someone you love while emotionally miles away already

Fuck I remembered her fingers in my hair once

Warm water running over both our bodies in some cheap apartment shower

She whispered stay with me like she sensed how often my mind wandered toward darkness

I promised I would

Back when promises still felt sacred instead of temporary survival tools

Now all I got are echoes

Ghost touches

Fragments of intimacy floating through memory like dead flowers drifting down flooded streets

Motherfucker I stayed underwater too long intentionally

Long enough for panic to start scratching at my ribs

Long enough for instinct and despair to begin wrestling beneath my skin

Long enough to wonder what would happen if I simply stopped fighting upward

That thought scared me because it felt calm

Not dramatic

Not emotional

Just calm in the most dangerous way possible

Drown me softly

Like the ocean hugging shipwrecks after storms

Like silence covering arguments after both people stop pretending reconciliation still exists

Like snow falling over graveyards where nobody visits anymore

Outside the bathroom window rain hit the city hard

Streetlights glowing through droplets like broken halos

Sirens echoing distant across wet concrete and sleepless apartment blocks

The world sounded drowned already

I surfaced finally gasping ugly and human

Water running down my face like counterfeit baptism

Chest burning with that stubborn biological desire to continue despite everything

Funny how the body fights for survival even when the soul starts negotiating surrender privately

Bitch I sat there soaked and shaking for a long time afterward

Towel around my waist

Head hanging low between trembling hands

Bathroom mirror fogged enough to hide my reflection mercifully

I thought about every person who almost disappeared quietly

Every lonely motherfucker sitting in dark rooms convincing themselves nobody would notice the absence

Every artist turning pain into mythology because plain suffering feels too humiliating to describe honestly

Maybe that’s why we romanticize drowning

Because water looks peaceful from outside

Because floating resembles surrender without visible damage

Because deep down everybody wants relief more than destruction

The phone buzzed beside the sink suddenly

A message from somebody asking if I’m awake

Simple words

No profound timing

No divine intervention

Just human concern arriving accidentally through glowing pixels

And somehow that tiny interruption cracked the darkness slightly

Not enough to heal

Not enough to save me dramatically

But enough to remind me the world still reached toward me occasionally even while I isolated myself

I stared at the message without replying immediately

Water dripping from my hair onto cold tile

Rain still attacking the windows aggressively

Heart slowly calming from its underwater rebellion

Drown me softly

Maybe that’s what love was supposed to mean originally

Not possession

Not obsession

Just somebody holding your head above emotional water gently when life becomes too heavy to survive alone

I wish more people understood that

Before they weaponized affection

Before they turned intimacy into manipulation and abandonment

Before modern loneliness infected everything sacred between human beings

The mirror cleared gradually as steam disappeared

My face returning piece by piece beneath fluorescent light

Eyes red

Skin pale

Still breathing unfortunately

Still alive stubbornly

And in that exhausted silence

I realized maybe I didn’t actually want to drown completely

Maybe I just wanted the noise inside me to stop clawing so violently against the walls of my skull

Maybe I wanted rest without disappearance

Peace without permanent absence

Love without fear attached to it

But this world rarely gives things that gently

So I dried myself slowly

Turned the bathroom light off

And walked back into the dark apartment dripping like a half resurrected ghost

Still carrying oceans inside my chest

Still learning how to survive without letting the water pull me fully under forever