static heartbeat

Static heartbeat buzzing through my chest like broken radio frequencies trapped beneath skin

Some nights my pulse feels artificial

Like electricity pretending to be alive inside a body already emotionally disconnected from itself

Every heartbeat arriving delayed, distorted, exhausted from carrying too many ghosts at once

Motherfucker I woke up at 5 AM with my heart racing violent as police sirens through empty streets

Sweat cold against my neck

Room spinning slow beneath flickering blue light from the television I forgot to turn off

For a second I thought death finally entered the apartment quietly to collect overdue payments

But nah

Just anxiety again

That invisible motherfucker chewing through nervous systems while the world keeps demanding productivity and charm simultaneously

Static heartbeat

Like trying to tune into love through damaged speakers

Like hearing your own humanity crackle in and out between trauma and exhaustion

Like surviving so long in survival mode that peace itself starts sounding suspicious and fake

Bitch I pressed my hand against my chest waiting for rhythm to stabilize

Heartbeat stumbling uneven beneath ribs scarred from panic and nicotine

Every thump sounding mechanical

Not emotional

Not spiritual

Just biological obligation refusing surrender out of stubborn habit

The city outside hummed restless beneath dawn rain

Trains dragging steel sorrow across invisible tracks

Ambulances screaming through intersections like wounded angels searching for redemption

Apartment windows glowing dim with other lonely souls pretending sleep still visits them naturally

Fuck I remember when my heartbeat used to calm down around her

She’d place her ear against my chest after arguments

Listening quietly like my pulse carried hidden scripture inside it

Then whisper you sound scared all the time

And she was right

Fear became background noise eventually

Fear of abandonment

Fear of becoming emotionally dependent

Fear of waking up one day completely numb beyond repair

Fear of surviving long enough to watch every soft part of myself harden permanently

Static heartbeat

Modern loneliness got all of us vibrating wrong internally

Everybody overstimulated

Overmedicated

Overexposed

Still emotionally starving beneath perfect selfies and curated vulnerability online

Motherfucker the doctor once told me stress can physically distort the rhythm of the heart

I almost laughed hearing that

Because of course it can

How the fuck could years of grief and suppression not alter the body eventually

Pain always collects rent somewhere

I walked to the kitchen shaking slightly

Poured water into trembling hands

Apartment silent except for the refrigerator humming like distant machinery inside abandoned churches

Even ordinary objects sounded haunted during panic episodes

Bitch nobody talks honestly about how terrifying your own body becomes sometimes

How your chest can suddenly feel like collapsing architecture beneath fluorescent light

How breathing turns manual

How your pulse starts sounding like Morse code from another dimension warning you about yourself

I sat on the floor beside the counter trying to calm down

Phone glowing beside me with unread messages from people expecting the charismatic version of me tomorrow

Nobody texts asking how your nervous system survived the night

Nobody applauds invisible battles against your own bloodstream and intrusive thoughts

Static heartbeat

Like love interrupted by interference

Like hope trapped beneath too much emotional static to reach full volume anymore

Like a soul broadcasting distress signals nobody fully understands how to answer

The rain got heavier outside

Water racing down the windows like tears from exhausted skyscrapers

Somewhere nearby a couple laughed through thin apartment walls

That sound hurt worse than silence somehow

Because happiness still exists for other people

Warm uncomplicated closeness still happens in hidden rooms across the city

Meanwhile I’m here negotiating with my own pulse at sunrise like a lonely motherfucker haunted by his nervous system

Fuck I lit a cigarette knowing damn well it worsens everything

Self destruction feels intimate when you hate yourself quietly enough

Smoke filled my lungs like familiar poison

The cherry glow illuminating my shaking fingers in the dark kitchen

I remembered my father once saying men should stay composed no matter what

Funny advice considering how many men die internally while pretending calmness publicly

Generations of silent panic hidden beneath tailored suits and addiction

Generations taught endurance instead of emotional literacy

Static heartbeat

That inherited masculine suffering buzzing beneath the skin constantly

Boys growing into emotionally constipated men terrified of vulnerability yet desperate for connection

Whole lives spent translating pain into anger because sadness feels too exposed and dangerous socially

Eventually my pulse slowed slightly

Still uneven

Still fragile

But no longer sounding catastrophic inside my ears

Morning light started bleeding pale gold across the apartment slowly

Birds singing outside with stupid beautiful optimism again

Another day arriving whether my spirit felt prepared or not

And there I sat

Exhausted

Smoke curling around my head like broken halos

Hand resting against my chest waiting for reassurance from a heart that barely trusted itself anymore

Static heartbeat

Still alive somehow

Still broadcasting through the interference

Still carrying damaged rhythms across another sunrise despite every lonely frequency trying to pull the signal permanently into silence