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Rebirth in slow motion feels nothing like movies promised
No dramatic sunrise
No orchestras swelling beneath redemption arcs
Just tiny fragile changes happening quietly while nobody claps for your survival
Like learning how to breathe again after years underwater without realizing you were drowning the entire time
Motherfucker healing arrived ugly at first
Messy apartments
Missed calls
Therapy sessions where silence weighed heavier than language
Long walks through neighborhoods that still smelled like memories and nicotine after rainfall
Bitch I kept expecting transformation to feel spiritual
Instead it felt exhausting
Like dragging broken bones through ordinary mornings repeatedly
Like teaching a traumatized nervous system that peace doesn’t automatically mean danger hiding nearby
Rebirth in slow motion
That’s waking up one day and realizing the sadness still exists but no longer owns every room inside your head
That’s hearing a song connected to somebody who destroyed you and surviving the memory without collapsing afterward
That’s choosing water over whiskey one random Tuesday because your body deserves gentleness even when your mind disagrees
Fuck I remember the first night I slept peacefully again
No nightmares
No panic attacks
No replaying old conversations like sacred punishment before dawn
Just deep quiet rest soft as mercy against exhausted bones
I woke up confused honestly
Like a prisoner accidentally released after identifying too strongly with the cage
Sunlight leaking through the curtains warm and ordinary across the sheets
For once the morning didn’t feel like another enemy waiting beside the bed
Motherfucker I started noticing beauty again gradually
Tiny things
Steam rising from coffee cups in winter light
Birds balancing on electrical wires above crowded streets
Strangers laughing genuinely on train platforms despite carrying invisible wars of their own
Maybe healing begins when the world stops looking exclusively haunted
Bitch I cut my hair during that season
Nothing symbolic intentionally
Just needed to stop seeing the same damaged reflection every morning
But watching old strands fall around the barber chair felt strangely ceremonial anyway
Like shedding versions of myself too exhausted to continue surviving inside me
Rebirth in slow motion
No fireworks
Just boundaries forming where self destruction used to live comfortably
Just loneliness becoming less terrifying than toxic intimacy finally
Just understanding love shouldn’t require constant emotional bleeding to prove sincerity
I still missed her sometimes though
Healing ain’t amnesia
Some nights nostalgia still crept through the apartment like cigarette smoke beneath locked doors
Her laugh still visited occasionally through random songs and weather patterns
Certain people become part of your bloodstream long after departure
But the grief changed texture eventually
Less knife wound
More old scar aching softly before rainstorms
Still present
Just no longer fatal
Fuck my mother noticed the difference before I did
Said my voice sounded lighter during phone calls recently
Not happier exactly
Just less haunted
That observation nearly broke me because I forgot people who love me suffer while watching me disappear slowly too
Motherfucker I apologized to myself one night
Sat alone on the balcony beneath polluted stars and passing sirens
Whispered sorry for every time I treated my own soul like collateral damage
Sorry for romanticizing destruction because survival felt embarrassing
Sorry for believing pain made me deeper than tenderness ever could
The city looked beautiful from up there
Not glamorous
Just human
Apartment windows glowing warm against darkness
Millions of lonely people trying their best imperfectly beneath the same tired moon
Something about that realization comforted me unexpectedly
Rebirth in slow motion
Like cracked stained glass still catching sunlight despite everything that shattered it previously
Like abandoned churches reopening quietly after decades of silence and dust
Like a heart relearning rhythm after years of static and panic beneath the ribs
Bitch I started writing songs differently too
Less obsessed with dying beautifully
More interested in surviving honestly
Turns out vulnerability sounds deeper when it stops performing for applause and starts telling the truth instead
I won’t lie though
Some darkness stayed
Probably always will
Trauma leaves fingerprints on the nervous system permanently
Certain memories still wake me at 4 AM with cold hands around my throat spiritually
Certain absences still echo through ordinary moments unexpectedly
But now I know echoes aren’t commandments
Pain can visit without becoming home again
One evening I walked past the river where I once considered disappearing quietly
Water moving soft beneath city lights and distant traffic
I stood there breathing cold air into healing lungs
And for the first time in years
I didn’t imagine drowning
I imagined tomorrow instead
Nothing dramatic
Just another ordinary morning
Coffee
Music
Sunlight through windows
Maybe laughter again someday if life feels generous enough
And somehow that tiny vision felt more revolutionary than every self destructive fantasy before it combined
Rebirth in slow motion
That’s choosing to stay alive repeatedly after the world taught you countless reasons not to
That’s carrying your damaged heart gently instead of treating it like an enemy
That’s becoming softer without becoming naive again
And motherfucker maybe that’s the closest thing to resurrection most humans ever actually experience on this side of heaven
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